الأحد، 29 أبريل 2012

IS THIS LOVE?

 SUPER-SIZE MOM DREAMS OF BECOMING THE WORLD'S FATTEST WOMEN, MARRIED TO A CHEF.

A mother bidding to become the fattest woman in the world has become engaged to marry a chef.

Susanne Eman, 33, revealed her controversial dream of reaching a target weight of over 115 stone last year - to become the biggest human ever.Now the mother-of-two, who currently weighs more than 54 stone, plans to wed fiance Parker Clack, 35, who loves cooking for her. The pair met over the internet last year and hit it off following a string of emails. Within months Parker moved in to Susanne's home in Casa Grande , Arizona , where she lives with sons Brendin, 13, and Gabriel, 17.
Unemployed Susanne said: 'We are a match made in heaven. I love eating and Parker loves cooking.


'It's a perfect pairing. I still want to be the fattest woman in the world and Parker is fine with that.
'He loves larger women and sees how happy I am when I'm eating.
'His cooking skills were definitely part of the attraction. How could I resist a man with talents in the kitchen?
'His signature dish, spaghetti bolognese, is my favourite. I could eat it all day.
'Parker helps by doing the housework too.
'He does most of the house work, cooking, helps encourage me to go for walks, he goes swimming with me, helps me do anything I have difficulty with.'

Susanne enjoys her dinner at a local restaurant tucking into several dishes, including a side salad.
Amazingly Parker is supporting Susanne in her controversial goal of becoming the world's heaviest.
Seen here dishing up a home-cooked breakfast for her, Parker cooks mountains of bacon and scrambled eggs, fried potatoes, huge slices of toast and even salad for Susanne.
Parker said: 'I support her because it makes her happy, and I love big women.
'I do worry about her health of course, but I try to make sure she eats some healthy food like salad, and I make sure she does exercises.
'She's taken up swimming since we met and we love to swim together.

Parker encourages Susanne to go for walks and swim to keep her mobile.




Doctors have told Susanne she is gambling with her life.
'I know becoming the biggest woman ever is something she truly wants to do with all of her heart.
'She had a check up last year and the doctor said she was fine, even though he doesn't support her mission. He said she's gambling with her life.
'As long as the doctors say she's okay, I'll support her.
'I'd love Susanne whatever she looked like, but if she was a size-zero model I wouldn't have noticed her in the first place.
'We met online and exchanged photos when we were courting. I thought she was beautiful.
'I've always preferred bigger girls. To me there's nothing attractive about a skinny woman. It's more ladylike to have curves.

He helps her with anything else she has difficulty with.
'Men aren't supposed to have curves, but women are, and Susanne definitely has them.'
Susanne says she has gained several stone since her last weigh-in last year when she registered at 54 stone.
She had hoped to be three stone heavier by the end of 2011.
'It's harder to gain than you might think because I'm trying to stay as healthy and active as possible,' she said.
'I've been slowly upping what I eat. It's like an athlete training but instead of training to be harder, I'm making myself softer.
'There's not been a point where I've doubted what I'm doing. It's deep desire for me to do this and I feel I can do it without endangering my health so I don't worry about my boys.'
As Susanne, a size 10XL, continues to balloon, Parker takes her and her sons to the park on day-trips - wheeling Susanne around in her wheelchair.
'My mobility is decreasing,' she said. 'But I always knew this would happen as I gained. I get out of breath more easily and Parker has to push me in my chair more often.

Served breakfast in bed. Her favourite food is spaghetti bolognese.
'When we go to the store he shops for me. He helps me in and out of the car. He encourages me to do my exercises.
'My aim is to never become bed-bound. As long Parker keeps taking me out to the park for waddles, then I know I can keep moving.'
Reaching her goal would mean Susanne tops that of previous world record-holder Carol Ann Yager, who died in 1994 from kidney failure caused by morbid obesity.
But despite warnings from doctors that she is playing 'Russian Roulette' with her life, Susanne says she can avoid the fate of others who have reached over 1000lbs (71 stone).
'I do my best to eat as much healthy food as possible,' said Susanne.
'I do an exercise regime to keep me as mobile as possible and Parker helps with that. He makes sure I do my stretches and sit ups.
'I want to try and break the stigma that being fat is bad.
'And it's helped me to find love, so hat's wrong with that.'

source: circulated emails.

الاثنين، 23 أبريل 2012

Simple Truths


SIMPLE TRUTH 1

Partners help each other undress before sex.
However after sex, they always dress on their own.

Moral of the story:
"In life, no one helps you once you're screwed."


SIMPLE TRUTH 2

When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and say "congrats".
But, none of them come and touch the man's penis and say "Good job".
Moral of the story:    "Hard work is never appreciated"

الأحد، 15 أبريل 2012

Jennifer Lopez' On the Floor


The first time I heard Jennifer Lopez's hit single "On the floor", I instantly recognized the chorus tune. After a little bit of investigation online, it turned out that J Lo had copied the full tune from either a Bollywood Indian movie or the summer hit Brazilian song of the late eighties, the "Lambada", or the original Bolivian song of 1981. Here are the videos to prove it. I can understand why she would copy the tune being of a Latino origin, but I if you will copy the works of others at least refer to the source.


The Bolivian original version


Bollywood's Indian version


The Brazilian version




J Lo's "On the Floor"

السبت، 14 أبريل 2012

الأربعاء، 4 أبريل 2012

DO I DO THE SIS OR NOT ?!

I was a very happy man.
My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year.
so we decided to get married.

There was only one little thing bothering me.
It was her beautiful younger sister, Sofia.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight
miniskirts, and generally was Bra-less.

She would regularly bend down when she was near me.
I always got more than a nice view.

It had to be deliberate.
she never did it around anyone else.

One day she called me and asked me to come over.
'To check my Sister's wedding- invitations' she said.

She was alone when I arrived.
she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me.
she couldn't overcome them anymore.

She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married.

She said "Before you commit your life to my sister".
Well, I was in total shock, and I couldn't say a word
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom" she said.
"if you want one last wild fling, just come up and have me".

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.

I stood there for a moment.
Then turned and made a bee-line straight to the front door.
I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lord And behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me.
He said, 'Sergio, we are very happy that you have passed our little test.
We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter.
Welcome to the family my son..'

And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.

THE PISSED OFF CITIZEN !!!


This is believed to be an actual letter written by a Canadian citizen from Newfoundland, complaining about the renewal service of his passport. 

Dear Sirs,
  I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this. How is it that Bell-Alliant has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a friggin satellite dish from them back in 1977, and yet, the Canadian Government is st ill asking me where I was friggin born and on what date.

For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand? My birth date you have on my pension checks, and it is on all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30 years. It is on my  Health card, my driving license, my car insurance, on the last eight damn passports I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the plane over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Mary Anne, my father's name is Robert and I'd be abso-fliping-lutely astounded if that ever changed between now and when I die!!!!!!

I apologise, I'm really pissed off this morning. Between you an' me, I've had enough of this bullshit! You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my fricking address!!!!

What is going on? Do you have a gang of Neanderthal arseholes workin' there? Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for shit sakes. I just want to go and park my arse on some sandy beach somewhere. And would someone please tell me, why would you give a shit whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, you'd be the last f-ing people I'd want to tell!

Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other end of the friggin city to get another f-ing copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of  $80. Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day??

   Nooooooooooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense. You'd rather have us running all over the flippin' place like chickens with our heads cut off, then have to find some arsehole to confirm that it's really me on the damn picture - you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile?! (bureaucratic frickin' morons) Hey, do you know why we couldn't smile if we wanted to? Because we're totally pissed off!

Signed
An Irate Canadian Citizen.

P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to confirm that it's me? Well, my family has been inNewfoundland since 1497 and I've been a Canadian Citizen since 1949 .......... I have served in the military for something over 30 years and have had full security clearances over 25 of those years enabling me to undertake highly secretive missions all over the world.
......... However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am
- you know, someone like my doctor - WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN FRICKING PAKISTAN!!!

الأحد، 1 أبريل 2012

A Dad's Reply !!!


I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 66).
We decided to grab a bite at the food court.

I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.

The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors - green, red,
orange, and blue.

My dad kept staring at her.

The teenager kept looking and would find my dad staring every time.

When the teenager had had enough, she sarcastically asked:
"What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not
choke on his response; I knew he would have a good one!

In classic style he responded without batting an eyelid .....

"Got stoned once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if
you might be my kid."